Denny's Going Private? Wake Me Up When the Nightmare's Over
So, Denny's is going private. Big deal. Another soulless corporation selling out to… well, other soulless corporations. TriArtisan Capital Advisors, Yadav Enterprises – names that just scream "good times and affordable breakfast," right? Let's be real, this ain't about improving the Grand Slam. It's about squeezing every last drop of profit out of a dying brand.
The official line is that stockholders are getting a sweet deal – $6.25 a share, a 50% jump over the market value. "Significant, near-term and certain cash value," says Denny's CEO Kelli Valade. Translation: "Get out while you still can, folks. This ship is sinking faster than you can say 'Moons Over My Hammy.'"
And let's not forget the "fewer regulations" and "no Wall Street earnings expectations" angle. As if that's going to magically fix the fact that Denny's has been struggling to compete with, like, every other breakfast joint on the planet. They've closed over 180 restaurants since late 2024! Fewer regulations just means they can cut corners even harder. Great.
The Downward Spiral of Greasy Spoons
They say Denny's has been struggling. No duh. Last time I went to a Denny's, the syrup tasted like it had been sitting in a gas station bathroom for a week. And the service? Don't even get me started. It's like they're actively trying to drive customers away.
Oh, and 88 restaurants shuttered in 2024, with another 70 to 90 slated to close in 2025. That's a lot of waitresses looking for new gigs. What are they gonna do, learn to code? Probably.
I mean, look at the timeline: founded in 1953, moved headquarters to Spartanburg in 1991, peaked sometime in the late '90s when irony was dead and people unironically enjoyed chain restaurants, and then...slow, agonizing decline. It's the circle of corporate life, baby.
The Future of $6.25 Grand Slams
The deal is expected to close in early 2026, pending stockholder approval. You think they won't approve it? Please. They're probably throwing a party right now, celebrating their escape from this culinary black hole. According to Spartanburg-based Denny's is going private in $620 million deal. What to know, the deal is worth $620 million.
But what does this mean for the average Denny's customer? Will the pancakes get even thinner? Will the coffee taste even more like burnt tires? Will they start charging extra for a clean fork? I'm not saying they will, but I ain't ruling it out either.
And what's with these private equity firms buying up everything? TGI Friday's and P.F. Chang's are part of this deal too, which probably means robotic bartenders and even blander food are on the horizon. Is nothing sacred anymore? I mean, I ain't a fan of any of these places, but somebody probably is.
So Long, and Thanks for All the Pancake Syrup
This is less a business deal and more a slow-motion corporate suicide. Denny's is going private to die a little bit quieter, a little bit less publicly. The only people who are truly winning here are the shareholders who are cashing out before the whole thing goes up in flames.
